Wow, this is an enormous topic for me. The things I’ve done to try to fit myself in and find a place to belong. Now it makes perfect sense, but let me tell you about this part of my journey and you can see whether it resonates with you.

In Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, one of the most well-known scales outlining the essentials for healthy growth and development, “belonging” is the third most important aspect. Once upon a time, human survival depended on being part of a tribe – it was your protection from dangerous animals, it was shared responsibilities for food and shelter, it was people to care for you if you were sick. If a human had no tribe to belong to they were far less likely to survive, which explains our intrinsic need for love and acceptance by our people.

Combine this need for belonging with experiences of rejection – whether real or perceived (a child’s mind can easily confuse the two), and you have a grown-arsed woman in a panic because she thinks nobody likes her and she doesn’t think she has a place anywhere. She changes her behaviour to be what she thinks others will want to see, she exists within systems that don’t align with her values because they look like safe, secure places; she ignores the things that she loves and takes on the likes and dislikes of someone else because she doesn’t have a core belief that she is worthy of love and belonging if she shows up as herself.

Of course, these twisted beliefs result in twisted behaviours, and rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because she’s acting like a bit of a lunatic, and the cycle goes around and around again, until…

Until she realises that she is the only one who can make a difference here; until she identifies the origin of her behaviour and takes responsibility for it; until she reparents herself in a way that her actual parents could not – not because of a lack of love, but because they were human beings with their own baggage and their own challenges that she knew nothing about.

Once you start, reparenting becomes easier and easier, and eventually, you don’t even feel anger towards the people who left their mark on you through their actions – even the people who really screwed things up. These people are either sociopaths and are never going to understand or adjust their behaviour; or they are human beings who have to live with their own choices every day. Whatever the case, remaining angry with someone who really can’t hurt us now doesn’t impact anyone but ourselves, and it certainly doesn’t heal our lack of self-love and worthiness!

Eventually you work out that you don’t have to sit at a table with anyone who might talk about you in a judgemental way when you leave; you reach a place of “knowing” who loves, accepts and celebrates you just as you are, and, of course, this is where you belong.

Some people believe that you won’t be loved and accepted before you love and accept yourself. Not me. Facing the dark parts of yourself and your history can only be done by you, but there were a handful of close friends and family who were orbiting around me as I worked through my heavy bits, showering me with gold dust that built up over time and helped me shine. Some people will just sit there and keep on loving you, even when you have no idea how they feel, and their belief in your ability to find yourself just gives you a little nudge towards the prize.

I guess the takeaway is that if you don’t know where you belong, you need to go find yourself. It won’t happen overnight. It will be a journey, and Grandma and Grandad might not be there to hold your hand, but if you try holding your own hand, you’ll find it much easier to reach your destination, and know that wherever you are is where you belong.