I have spent the past 10 years or so gradually dismantling my entire world. It began with my behaviours – I started noticing that my behaviours were very childish at times, and so I started to wonder why, and why I felt so different from what I seemed to observe in the people around me. This led to me looking at my thoughts, and taking a position of awareness about what I was thinking, and a gradual letting go of my attachment to my thoughts and beliefs…next came attachment in general, which led me to question my choices and relationships…and all of a sudden I was dismantling my marriage and family structures, dropping truth bombs all over everyone’s peace and ease, and finally, I quit my job.

There have been some dark, dark times in there, and I was stuck in a place of facing old stuff for a little longer than I think I needed to be – but, then again, if that was the case I would have emerged from that stage sooner. For a while I was stuck – looking desperately for a place to belong, feeling rejected by all the things and places that didn’t seem to accept me with ease. But then, suddenly, as with all of the giant transitions that have happened so far, I just let go of the grief. It fell away like a discarded suit of armour after a battle – I just didn’t need to fight anymore, and moving through the world became so much easier without that extra weight.

And now I am ready to rebuild. Of course, I know that there’ll still be difficult days, but what I really know now is that there is no need to run from those hard things. Just because they feel unpleasant doesn’t mean that they’re to be avoided, and really, I sincerely believe that, just like an Australian bushfire that strips away everything, preparing the earth for brand new growth, the pain of facing your shadows is part of the renewal. I think the hardest parts are behind me now. I am stronger and more myself than I have ever been.

Where are you? What drives your life decisions? We are all driven by a desire for happiness, but we so often get caught up in thinking that happiness can be found in looking eternally young, or driving just the right car, or living in just the right place, or having the best looking partner. But that is all a load of shit, honestly, and you don’t know that until you know it. You will never be happy, you will never be ready to rebuild as long as your focus is on how much money you are going to make or how good you are going to look to everyone else. I can hear the voice of Michael Singer, spiritual guru, in my ears…”how many times have you gotten exactly what you wanted and then been completely happy and never wanted anything else again for as long as you lived?”. NEVER. We need to stop building our lives around social constructs. You have everything in you to be happy if you can just strip away all of those protective layers that you have donned to fight your way through this life.

That’s all easier said than done. I’m still not totally there, but at least I know that. I still get a little caught up in what I see in the mirror, but I notice myself doing it. I am carefully analysing all of my options as I rebuild my life, avoiding knee jerk reactions unless I feel a thing with a knowing that goes right through my body. I make sure that my decisions are not based ever on what people are thinking about me, even though these things do run through my head – I just notice them and let go. I still have that knee-jerk reaction of ick and discomfort at the idea of posting a video of myself on social media because of what people will think, but I hear my thoughts and do it anyway, because what I’m posting is real and true and what I need to do to rebuild my life.

For me, I know that I need to return to work in healing. That is what my heart and soul are crying out for. I tried to do it through teaching, but there are too many things about that industry that take a little of my soul away. I’ve known for years that this was what I wanted to do, but I also knew that I wasn’t ready. Now, as I rebuild, I am listening to that heart and soul. When I sit here creating and writing, I feel a lightness and a joy that I hadn’t known was possible.

Starting over is not easy – but it’s right. I don’t want to focus on money, but, at the same time, I need to earn enough to pay my rent and bills and feed myself, and at the very beginning, that is the vision. My goals will grow as I grow, and I KNOW that the right things will cross my path at the right time, and I will notice them as long as I am present and paying attention to that knowing part of me. There is no more “fighting against” now. There is just “going with”. There is only the next right thing.

I still question myself every hour or so, but I keep coming back to my body. When I was driving to school and back every day, I was battling to keep myself awake to the point where I thought I must have a deficiency, or there must be a health issue I needed medical support for. I would feel like I wanted to close my eyes when sitting in front of the computer, when sitting in meetings, and at all times apart from those where I was working directly with students. Now, I sit in front of the computer all day, barely stopping for breath – I’ve started building this business from the ground up – and not once have I felt like I even needed an afternoon nap. My body was trying to tell me that I needed to stop and realign myself with my values, and once I did that, my body stopped trying to shut down. I feel the energy and motivation to take care of the things I have been neglecting for so long – diet, environment, nurturing friends and family. I found some sparkle that I have only had glimpses of throughout my life.

I am living proof that you can face your demons, heal, and find joy, and I want to take everyone with me on this journey. Not everyone will need to make as many drastic life changes as I have – my case is extreme. But most people have “stuff” that is holding them back. Are you ready to strip it all away and rebuild?

Go on, I double dare you.